Stronger

“He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength…But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” — Isaiah 40:29 & 31

. . . . . .

I know I have gotten stronger in this season–physically, mentally, and spiritually. For me, these three components really intertwine. If I feel good physically, it has a ripple effect through the other areas of my life and I become more positive. I’ve struggled with self-image my whole adult life (so far), so feeling good physically has helped to improve my mental state.

Many Christian friends of mine have tried to pour the “typical Christian” wisdom into me–all that matters is what God sees; you are made in His image; He calls you beautiful. The problem is when my depressive symptoms present, I don’t hear that. Instead, I hear all the negatives. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. I knew I needed to do something about that negative voice, so I started a different exercise regimen. Not only has it helped me to manage my anxiety and depressive symptoms, but it’s also encouraged me. Because here’s how I see it: if God calls me loved and beautiful, then I deserve to make myself feel the way He sees me.

Really, what it has done is make me stronger.

I know I’m stronger physically because I can run faster and for longer and have a shorter recovery time. I can lift heavy things–like cat litter and my 45-pound dog–and it feels easier than it was even six months ago. I don’t have as much knee pain as I used to, even though that is an issue that will probably never go away.

I know I’m stronger mentally because I’m not crying the minute my mind because spinning. I can take a step back and be a little more objective. Don’t get me wrong–I still have days where I just want to cry, and on those days I allow myself the release. Once I do, I can walk away from those feelings, confident they were dealt with. I still overanalyze and play things on repeat–because that’s what anxiety does–but I’m getting better at stopping the cycle. I made friends, and I make plans with them, neither of which I had dreamt I could do a year go.

I know I’m stronger spiritually because I am more patient. I have constant silent prayer to God, sometimes just whispering “Jesus.” I go to church every Sunday and worship with my whole heart, something I didn’t think I could do a year ago. I write down my favorite Bible verses. When something starts going in my head, my first line of defense is to look up a related verse.

I’m far from perfect, though. I sometimes cheat on the nutrition in the exercise program, but I’m better about not beating myself up for it. I do still have negative self talk, but I’m better at combating it. I sometimes let my daily life get in the way and forget to seek out time with the Lord or put Him first like I should. But I know I’m not where I was.

. . . . . .

I know I’ve written on strength before, and I probably will again. Gaining strength is a part of the growing process, and it’s continuous. We don’t just stop finding or gaining strength–everything we encounter helps us dig a little deeper and be a little stronger. When we are weak, when we think we cannot possibly go on, that is when God gives us strength. My storm is far from over, but I am, so far, proud of the person I have become. I feel like I am getting back parts of me that I lost, and that takes strength every day.

Just like picking up new and heavier weights is hard, picking up pieces of yourself is tough. You have to decide how the pieces fit back together. You have to decide if you will include everything or only some things. You have to decide who you are and who you want to–and are meant to–be. You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day and be satisfied with who you are. Are you?

When A Planner Has Anxiety

I’ve been a planner for at least as long as I’ve been in school. I did a lot of activities growing up, so between those extracurriculars and actual schoolwork, planning was essential to success. In college, planning meant learning time management so I could work and maintain a high GPA. Things were often planned out for extensive periods of time–such as multiple semesters. I like having control, and I hate the unknown; planning was a way for me to know and control my world.

When I started going to therapy, it was recommended I try to pinpoint what causes my anxiety. And you know what the root cause ended up being? Yup–planning.

But I should rephrase that to excessive planning. I had been planning my life–and the life of my husband–for years because I wanted control over what could happen. As it turns out, planning can’t control everything, and it can actually breed a lot of resentment.

When I lost control of everything, though, I couldn’t bring myself to plan anything. Not even my day. I was too depressed. And when I tried planning, my heart started racing, I couldn’t breathe, and I would burst into tears.

Over time, and with therapy, I warmed up to planning again, but with a change. I would only plan what was absolutely necessary. I began bullet journaling. Not only does this allow me freedom to only plan what I absolutely have to, but it also gives me a place to write down my thoughts during the day, writing prompts or ideas, and my prayers. Because I tend to overthink, having a safe space to release those thoughts has really made an impact.

As my responsibilities have increased and changed–like having two part-time jobs–I have to plan any fun time, retreats, or vacations I want to enjoy. As my mental state has gotten better, I can actually enjoy those times. And I finally planned my first solo vacation.

Belle and I are going on a road trip.

My birthday is next weekend, and her and I are going to visit family in another state. We will only be gone for four days, but it’s our first trip solo, and I’m really excited. It’s the least amount of planning I have ever put into a trip–I asked at the beginning of the month if they would be around for a visit, and they said yes. I’ve only been really planning it for three weeks.

And it feels really good.

God has used this uncontrollable time in my life to show me I need to learn to let go of control and hand it to Him. As always, I’ll be taking notes the entire trip. I am really looking forward to seeing what I learn about traveling solo with Belle and about myself.

So, I’m curious: what would you like to see about the trip?

A Racing Heart

My mind is tangled. My heart races. I can’t breathe. No matter how much I try to regulate my breathing, I can’t calm it down. So I sit in a type of silent pain, waiting for the hours to pass.

. . . . . .

This is what my life is like a lot of days. Struggling with anxiety means your head hardly has a quiet moment. Sometimes it has to do with a situation or event, sometimes it doesn’t. My anxiety has been around since at least high school. I think I hardly noticed it in school because anxiety and stress is “expected” in college. When life after college got out of my control, my anxiety “came back”, and it did so with a vengeance.

As a Christian woman, I have been given the “Christian answers” to my anxiety:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know not God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:6-7

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” — Jeremiah 29:11

But these didn’t really help because I didn’t understand what was behind the anxiety. And there is something behind the anxiety: a voice whispering all my insecurities.

You’re not really qualified for that job, so don’t even try.

You’re not a good woman or a good wife; it’s no wonder you’re struggling. He doesn’t want you. Who would?

You’re a terrible dog-mom. You don’t know what you’re doing at all.

But that isn’t God. It’s the enemy. And I have to tune out the enemy or I will continue to suffer.

“The voice you believe will determine the future you experience.”

If I continue to give space to the enemy’s voice, I will experience an anxiety-ridden, miserable future. If I choose to turn my mind to Christ, though, I will experience His peace, love, and mercy–and a more positive future.

Over one year ago, I felt a nudge that I felt was from God. I felt like He was telling me that what was about to happen would lead to a positive future. But then things crashed around me, and I began to question if I had truly heard Him.

And that is when the enemy comes in and whispers lies: Did you really hear from God? Did He really tell you that? Maybe He really doesn’t want good things for you. He’s just watching you suffer, and He isn’t going to do anything about it.

But getting out of my head long enough to even try to focus on God’s voice and promises can be a lot. It can be emotionally draining.

. . . . . .

I had to find something to get out of my head. So I started taking exercise more seriously. I began running–and have even done a few 5K races–with my dog, Belle, and I was finally utilizing the exercise facility at my apartment. I noticed a difference within days. My mind was focused on running pace and number of reps, so it didn’t have time to entertain any more lies.

Exercise helps me refocus my energy and push myself in positive ways–in ways that will make me physically and mentally stronger. Adding Belle to the mix actually helped my head because I became focused on our combined abilities and we bonded.

 

Even with music in my ears, I often start to silently pray, especially during races. This helps my spirit and it makes the time fly by.

And when I get home from a run, I feel motivated to read my Bible and journal.

. . . . . .

But some days are better than others. Some days my heart races for no reason. And if that happens when I’m at work, I have to wait it out until I can go on a run. Today was one of those days. As I was running, lies began to seep in again: you won’t make 3 miles. Just give up now. Stop trying. But I didn’t listen; I pushed through. And when I refocused my energy on my music, on running with my dog, on the moment, I was able to push that whisper away.

My story with anxiety isn’t over. There are so many other components–exercise and nutrition, therapy, practices. But I know God has plans for me, and I believe that now. I am better at discerning what is God and what is the enemy. And that is progress.

. . . . . .

Do you struggle with anxiety? What do you do to manage it? Is there a way you could manage it better?