I Finally Did It…

Stomach in knots. Racing heart. I feel like I’m shaking. I close my eyes and pray, “Father, if this is your will…” I open them again to find minutes have passed. There are papers piled on my desk, but it’s the paper hidden at the bottom of the stack that’s causing my anxiety.

Why is it we are most anxious to do something when we know it’s something we must do? Shouldn’t we have peace from God in that moment, especially if we feel He is the one telling us to do the thing?

I needed to take back my decision-making ability. I need to find what I am capable of. I need to find what really gives me that spark.

. . . . . .

I walk into the office, the feeling that I’m shaking more pronounced. I don’t think I am. I take my time, allow this to flow naturally. The time comes. 

“I would like to take this moment to tender my resignation.”

. . . . . .

I’ve thought about ways to use that phrase, “tender my resignation,” since I started my first job. It always sounded so adult to me, so professional.

In case you are wondering: yes, you have interpreted correctly. I quit my (main) job today. Rather, I gave my notice.

Once I did and I walked out of the meeting, I felt better. Calm finally settled over me. I had the conviction that I had done the right thing.

. . . . . .

I am going to take this time to do a few things.

First: I am going to invest in my writing. I’m going to buy a big pin board to use as a giant, physical story board or idea board. I need to physically write things down, post them up somewhere, and look at them frequently. I need to be able to move them as needed, to touch them.

I’m going to work on my memoir. I wrote a brief one for a creative nonfiction class in college, and I’ve always wanted to expand on it. I just never felt I had the time. I know, now, that was an excuse. I had the time, I just wasn’t managing myself properly.

Which leads me to the second thing: I’m going to work on managing myself and my time. For those logical people out there, I do still have a job—an adjunct position. I’m basically going to start from scratch, though. Whatever I did in college is out the window. I’m going to try new techniques.

Finally: I’m going to learn about myself. I realized recently that I’m not really sure what I want out of a career; I just knew where I was wasn’t it. I’m going to take time to find what makes me tick, what really gives me a spark.

. . . . . .

We have to realize God has created us for something special, something unique, something only we can do. When He calls on us to move forward into the unknown, it’s a test of our faith.

Do we move without knowing what will happen, but trusting He has a plan? Or do we keep plugging away at something He has not designed for us? If we do the latter, we may never find fulfillment, and we may move through life completely unsatisfied.

If we do the former, though, so many possibilities await.

The unknown is terrifying. It’s the unknown after all; by definition, we don’t know what’s to come. But if we put our faith in God and remember all things will work for the good of those who believe…then, just maybe, the unknown can be less scary.

It’s still something I am working on, believe me. I still have to practice my faith. I still have to work to reorganize my priorities. I have to constantly work to reorganize my mind to focus on Him. When I do, though, I can feel a change.

Like now.

. . . . . .

Do I feel better? I think so. The anxiousness I initially had went away as soon as I handed over my letter.

For the first time in at least five months, I feel like I have control of something. And, right now, that is important for me. For the first time since graduation, I do not really know what’s going to happen next. My life has turned so many ways in the past few months, I’m not sure what to expect. For once, though, I’m okay with that. I’m getting better at taking things one day at a time. I don’t know what’s in store, but I know God has a plan for me, that I am made for more.

I may have decided to quit my job, but, for the first time, I don’t feel like a quitter.

The Beginning of a Transformation

I feel like I am transforming, like a caterpillar into a butterfly. Well, I’m still in the caterpillar phase I think, but I can envision becoming a beautiful butterfly one day.

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It’s difficult to describe this week in one word, but I feel it has begun to change me (in a good way). I began teaching again, and walking into that classroom, I feel comfortable. Not necessarily inthe “this is my comfort zone and I refuse to leave it” (though maybe that’s part of it). No, it feels more like I am moving in the direction of doing what I am supposed to be doing in life. I think for so long I had these ideas of what I should do in life—based on societal and familial expectations—not what I wanted to do or what I was called to do. Now, I get to focus on those things.

For example, I wrote an article on a potential new law that was introduced in the House, titled the PUPPERS Act. I love animals, so anything animal-related in politics always pricks my ears (get it?). As I was writing it, I suddenly felt like my two loves—animals and writing—got to intersect, and I got really excited.

Then, for the first time, I submitted one of pieces of short fiction to be published on Medium. It will be published Monday. I’m really excited about that one, too, and I’ll tell you all about it (and link to it) on Monday. Promise.

I’ve encountered difficulty in treating writing like a job, though. This has to because I work 25 hours a week at my day job, and then I started teaching again on Tuesday, so that means preparing lectures and activities as well as the actual act of going into the classroom to teach. So, I’ve been upset with myself that I haven’t devoted my time to writing like I should, like I want to.

One thing I have done this week, though, is realize, at the very least, that I can’t allow others to bulldoze me anymore. Really, this week has made me see that it’s time to make a change and control what I can control.

I know I have responsibilities, though—rent (now that I’ll have my own place in 2 weeks), Belle, credit card payments, student loans—and I have to be able to take care of those. The problem is I’m torn. I know and understand I have adult responsibilities, but how much longer do I ignore my gut and my mental health? I feel my creativity is being squashed like a highly undesirable bug. When do I say “no more”?

I know I am going to sound like a whiny millennial, like a child who doesn’t get her way, but the hard truth is this: I don’t want to do it anymore. And what’s wrong with admitting when you don’t want to do something? What’s wrong with admitting you aren’t cut out for something, or it’s just not what you thought you wanted?

As I told my therapist, I feel like I should have already figured this out, like I should have known before I got to this point. And that just makes me angry and frustrated with myself.

The plus side is this: I have an idea of what I want. At least for now. So that’s what I’m going for.

Because I know one day the transformation will be complete.

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