When A Planner Has Anxiety

I’ve been a planner for at least as long as I’ve been in school. I did a lot of activities growing up, so between those extracurriculars and actual schoolwork, planning was essential to success. In college, planning meant learning time management so I could work and maintain a high GPA. Things were often planned out for extensive periods of time–such as multiple semesters. I like having control, and I hate the unknown; planning was a way for me to know and control my world.

When I started going to therapy, it was recommended I try to pinpoint what causes my anxiety. And you know what the root cause ended up being? Yup–planning.

But I should rephrase that to excessive planning. I had been planning my life–and the life of my husband–for years because I wanted control over what could happen. As it turns out, planning can’t control everything, and it can actually breed a lot of resentment.

When I lost control of everything, though, I couldn’t bring myself to plan anything. Not even my day. I was too depressed. And when I tried planning, my heart started racing, I couldn’t breathe, and I would burst into tears.

Over time, and with therapy, I warmed up to planning again, but with a change. I would only plan what was absolutely necessary. I began bullet journaling. Not only does this allow me freedom to only plan what I absolutely have to, but it also gives me a place to write down my thoughts during the day, writing prompts or ideas, and my prayers. Because I tend to overthink, having a safe space to release those thoughts has really made an impact.

As my responsibilities have increased and changed–like having two part-time jobs–I have to plan any fun time, retreats, or vacations I want to enjoy. As my mental state has gotten better, I can actually enjoy those times. And I finally planned my first solo vacation.

Belle and I are going on a road trip.

My birthday is next weekend, and her and I are going to visit family in another state. We will only be gone for four days, but it’s our first trip solo, and I’m really excited. It’s the least amount of planning I have ever put into a trip–I asked at the beginning of the month if they would be around for a visit, and they said yes. I’ve only been really planning it for three weeks.

And it feels really good.

God has used this uncontrollable time in my life to show me I need to learn to let go of control and hand it to Him. As always, I’ll be taking notes the entire trip. I am really looking forward to seeing what I learn about traveling solo with Belle and about myself.

So, I’m curious: what would you like to see about the trip?