Day 16: Preparation

How did it go?

There are some days that things just hit you and you’re overwhelmed with…maybe not calm, but a sense of…relief?

I had a moment today where I just completely broke down. And I mean broke. I sat in a crumpled heap on the floor of my hotel room and cried as I struggled to change my outfit. I had gone where I was supposed to go, done what I was told to do…and, yet, it still wasn’t right, still wasn’t enough. And as I sat there in a crumpled, defeated, ruined make-up heap, bawling into the phone to my mother, asking why I couldn’t do anything right…something came over me.

This isn’t it.

That’s when that sense of relief hit me. I finally realized I can’t do it anymore. I’m made for something else.

And as I poured my heart out to my mother, my only ear right now, I realized…I am sick. Every day I wake up afraid, nauseous, with a pounding headache. Sure, my anxiety and depression are partly to blame, I will admit that. But it’s more than that.

I hate to say it, especially since I love describing things in writing, but it’s difficult to explain. But after that incident, faking smiles throughout the rest of the day, performing who I am for others…it was easier. Because I knew something they didn’t.

There are better things in store.

What did I learn? 

God will often allow us to feel the pain of our pasts, of our choices, to show us, to convince us, we aren’t where He desires us to be. I say allow because He can take our pain away, but sometimes we need that pain as a reminder when we aren’t listening.

I have never felt that more fully than I did today.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. Because I took risks I didn’t have to take for a dream I thought God had given me. But that guilt can be used to an advantage: a lesson. It can teach me how to overcome obstacles and recover from my mistakes.

I realize, too, that if it weren’t for my faith, what I struggle with on a day-to-day basis would make me feel I don’t have value. But I do. Because my God says I do. My God has told me I have gifts, talents, and things to offer. My God has given me dreams. I may have strayed, but He is still with me, guiding me.

I hear a still, small voice in my head in a lot of moments throughout the day: patience.

Patience in just about everything is vital, but none more so than when you are waiting on God to move. He will make sure you are ready; He won’t allow anything if you aren’t.

It won’t be easy to be positive in an environment I thoroughly don’t enjoy. But my positivity will come from God, knowing He is preparing me for something.

So, if you’re struggling, let me encourage you. Maybe God is preparing you.