I Finally Did It…

Stomach in knots. Racing heart. I feel like I’m shaking. I close my eyes and pray, “Father, if this is your will…” I open them again to find minutes have passed. There are papers piled on my desk, but it’s the paper hidden at the bottom of the stack that’s causing my anxiety.

Why is it we are most anxious to do something when we know it’s something we must do? Shouldn’t we have peace from God in that moment, especially if we feel He is the one telling us to do the thing?

I needed to take back my decision-making ability. I need to find what I am capable of. I need to find what really gives me that spark.

. . . . . .

I walk into the office, the feeling that I’m shaking more pronounced. I don’t think I am. I take my time, allow this to flow naturally. The time comes. 

“I would like to take this moment to tender my resignation.”

. . . . . .

I’ve thought about ways to use that phrase, “tender my resignation,” since I started my first job. It always sounded so adult to me, so professional.

In case you are wondering: yes, you have interpreted correctly. I quit my (main) job today. Rather, I gave my notice.

Once I did and I walked out of the meeting, I felt better. Calm finally settled over me. I had the conviction that I had done the right thing.

. . . . . .

I am going to take this time to do a few things.

First: I am going to invest in my writing. I’m going to buy a big pin board to use as a giant, physical story board or idea board. I need to physically write things down, post them up somewhere, and look at them frequently. I need to be able to move them as needed, to touch them.

I’m going to work on my memoir. I wrote a brief one for a creative nonfiction class in college, and I’ve always wanted to expand on it. I just never felt I had the time. I know, now, that was an excuse. I had the time, I just wasn’t managing myself properly.

Which leads me to the second thing: I’m going to work on managing myself and my time. For those logical people out there, I do still have a job—an adjunct position. I’m basically going to start from scratch, though. Whatever I did in college is out the window. I’m going to try new techniques.

Finally: I’m going to learn about myself. I realized recently that I’m not really sure what I want out of a career; I just knew where I was wasn’t it. I’m going to take time to find what makes me tick, what really gives me a spark.

. . . . . .

We have to realize God has created us for something special, something unique, something only we can do. When He calls on us to move forward into the unknown, it’s a test of our faith.

Do we move without knowing what will happen, but trusting He has a plan? Or do we keep plugging away at something He has not designed for us? If we do the latter, we may never find fulfillment, and we may move through life completely unsatisfied.

If we do the former, though, so many possibilities await.

The unknown is terrifying. It’s the unknown after all; by definition, we don’t know what’s to come. But if we put our faith in God and remember all things will work for the good of those who believe…then, just maybe, the unknown can be less scary.

It’s still something I am working on, believe me. I still have to practice my faith. I still have to work to reorganize my priorities. I have to constantly work to reorganize my mind to focus on Him. When I do, though, I can feel a change.

Like now.

. . . . . .

Do I feel better? I think so. The anxiousness I initially had went away as soon as I handed over my letter.

For the first time in at least five months, I feel like I have control of something. And, right now, that is important for me. For the first time since graduation, I do not really know what’s going to happen next. My life has turned so many ways in the past few months, I’m not sure what to expect. For once, though, I’m okay with that. I’m getting better at taking things one day at a time. I don’t know what’s in store, but I know God has a plan for me, that I am made for more.

I may have decided to quit my job, but, for the first time, I don’t feel like a quitter.